Circumstances began to spiral out of control for the reality star after her condition worsened despite undergoing several treatments. “The antibiotics that I thought would be the answer to my prayers are actually making me so sick that I feel as if I am going to die. Even after months of treatment, I’m definitely not cured. Instead, I’m just desperately trying to hang on," Hadid wrote. "I’ve become a shell of the vivacious and outgoing woman I used to be and can no longer participate in my life. I choose to live in a quiet cocoon isolated from the outside world, which is the exact opposite of what is required of me as a Housewife. I’m supposed to be this glamorous woman who lives a fun and exciting life, yet I can barely get dressed."

Two years after her diagnosis, things really took a turn for the worse. Hadid went on a trip to Florida with ex-husband David Foster, in which she says she stripped off her clothes and submerged herself into the ocean.

“I take off my clothes and slip into the dark blue ocean, which is cool and comforting,” she writes in her book, out Sept. 12. “The waves gently wash over my naked body, and I can feel the current tugging at me. Tears pour out of my eyes, roll across my cheeks, and meld with the salt water as I try to still my mind to become one with the water’s ebb and flow.”

“God please just take me away in a wave. I can’t live like this one